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Afraid to change; Afraid to stay the same

I look the best I've ever look, yet somehow its not good enough.
I'm the most popular I've ever been, yet I don't have enough friends to be satisfied.
I make the most I've ever made and the most out of every one of my friends, yet I don't have enough money to be happy.
I have two cats to take care of to give me the sense of being needed, yet I still want a child because I'm not needed enough.
I'm in school and am almost done, yet I'm not satisfied with how successful I sound.

The more you chase me, the more I run away.
The more you give up, the more I cling on.

Recently I've noticed my problem. I'm never happy. The question is..."Am I never happy because I've lost all meaning to know what it is to truely be without" or "Am I never happy because I have a void in my life that needs filled". I am currently a week and half into my journey. I decided that I need to take some new steps. This journey will most likely take me a while, but I feel like its what I need to do. I guess to fully explain my journey would be a long story that can be shortened to 'I'm soul searching'. I don't prefer that saying though because to me it sounds rather melodramatic more than enlightening.
I decided that I was going to start my journey when I became really sad and felt suicidal. I realized that many people have something to live for, and typically the easiest thing to see is God. As you may or may not know, I don't believe in God or a higher power. This lack of belief can make it more challenging to know exactly what my purpose is in life and what I am living for. Also, without the belief in God, I don't belong to a church. As judgemental towards churches I can often be, I now understand that those people are very lucky in that they have each other and a place to be with each other. Church provides a sense of belonging that everyone needs in life. It also provides a place for networking and building community service involvement. These two things I have never had, and I fear that the lack of them have made me more withdrawn from people and society along with hold me back in my path for success. Now, although I don't believe in God or claim a religion, I favor many lessons that Buddhism teaches thus making me technically a Unitarian Universalist. It was on my second day of my journey as I was riding on the back of my friend Aaron's motorcycle, when I discovered the UUFA (Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Ames). I walked in there and explained to them that I was an Atheist who valued Buddhism and was beginning a journey of soul searching and life completion. From there they provided me with information and today I attended their Mindfulness and Meditation group. I will see where this Fellowship takes me, but its an important part of my journey because the old me would have never opened my mind to see the truth. The old me wouldnt have been on that motorcycle to even discover the place. The old me wouldn't have had the courage to walk in and speak openly with them. The old me wouldnt have attended group. Besides the respect for my sprirtual feelings, they highly value and support the LGBT community, which is very important to me because of my orienatation as a bisexual can be often challenging.

Part of my journey is to experience a set of new things and emotions. To consider new expressions and mentalities. To develope further into my womanhood without losing the pure child in me. There are things I want to do and things I have done. Consider it all below. Make suggestions and provide information as you please.

Done:
- Get the ink that I want without fear of judgement or disowning. Continue doing so while making it very valuable to the eye and meaningful to self.
- Face anxieties of danger while placed in that setting. Instead of closing my eyes and holding on tight. Open them up and spread my arms out wide. Go faster than I did before. Repeat without boredum. Each time is new and different.
- Start making steps to free myself of the obstacles that keep me grounded. Created a CouchSurfing account. Applying for my Passport. Paying my Toyota Yaris<3 bills. Nothing more smells like freedom than to rid myself from my obstacles.

I need to see life. The world. Me in it. Me as I am. What makes me different. The same. And special. What are my strengths.

My plan is to travel. Answers in life is in it.
This winter I'm hoping to going back to LA, California. Dig my toes in the sand deeper and feel the city heat harder and the people louder. Submerge my soul and body at once and feel my future before me.
This winter I'm planning on taking my first steps out of the United States of America. Mexico or Canada. I have no real preference. Everyone else does. I'm open minded. Thanks to hopefully usage of my friends time share, I can have this experience.
Upcoming May after graduation, I want to drive accross America. I want to take the whole summer seeing every major city or site that I want to see to feel experienced and fresh. I want to couch surf while doing so. Not just to make the money go further, but more for the experience. The experience to see people in their element. Their privacy. Their homes. Their minds. Their life. To exchange journeys and stories. To connect with humankind in my homeland. In hoping to end all this at the Burning Man Festival. It is suppose to be one of the more life changing experiences to have and I want to proudly be a part of that. A part of participation in the bonding of humanity.

One of the major things in life in my insecurity. Insecurity eats me alive. Over the years it has become worse. It changes me into this person I don't recognize. I have not many things to legitimately be insecure about, but that's not what its about. The insecurity creates a personality that can drive anyone away. I need to free my mind from this burden. In meditation today I realized. Fear is the leading source of my insecurity. I need to elimate Fear. Fear has been my worse enemy for years. For my whole life. Fear is what is fueling my desire to change through my journey. What am I so afraid of? The same stuff many people are afraid of. Fear of Death. Fear of Loneliness. These two fears are my two major fears. Not everyone has these as their main two but many people do. Not everyone is controlled by it though. I am. So what? I'm not happy though. No surprise. Now its time. To change that.....

Can I do it?
We will see.....I cannot afford to not try though at this point. <3

yearbook

so i was totally going through my yearbook tonight and was looking up certain peoples facebooks...wow do people change! its so crazy. life is so crazy!!! anyways i made a few requests and poked some others, but dang. its a funny little thing- how life works and all. i can't imagine how life will be in another 5 years and how i will later perceive the now in my head. a little fear. a little excitement. i just hope for a few things. i don't get fat. lol. and i have more money or success. hahah. yes...thats all...well and getting prettier would be nice. i want to wow people someday. but a good wow...ya know?

a few things

- i will be going to lazerfest biiitch. can't wait. love love love the bands.
- why is everyone going trans lately???
- i can't wait for the summertime to camp and swim..and ima buy adventureland season passes


thats all...im lame today

Feb

tonight was my last night of work in feb...stats are such: 11days of work, earned $2,767.
owners came in tonight and took pictures of me dancing for our facebook page. luke nd michael came in tonight:] --- so yea tom i hope to go shopping!!! for a new bed and new clothes for work. heh i gotta make an investment. i started tanning again btw...i had to. my friends were making fun of me cuz im going pasty again...besides i pay for the package monthly on that auto pay. i need to hit up the gym sometime again soon as well cuz im auto pay on that too. all while finding time for homework. gah. i wish school was just done. id love to take a year off from dmacc to isu. - oh btw instead of going to LA for spring break, im going to minneapolis. i miss it and its close so itd be like way cheap and i could buy a bunch of stuff. i really want to go to ikea and troys never been there or mall of america. psh. lol carmy hasnt yet adjusted to her new water bowl...the fountain one. hmmmm what to do with my days off....??? i wish i had more hetero friends or lezzie friends whos gfs aren't intimidated by me being around. i don't get why people don't understand that im in a relationship and dont want to trade or steal. lol. retards...i have a selection already...if i wanted someone other than my bf then id just choose someone. its really easy for me to find someone so long as im not already in love or heartbroken. i just have to be happy and looking and wabam. anyways...carmy wants cuddles:D
<3i love my kitty<3

Writer's Block: The winning ticket

property across the west coast...to keep money rolling in

Writer's Block: Breaking the habit

stretch marks and nope

Last Night

So I've been fighting a little off and on with troy the past couple days so we went to altoona for the night last night. We decided to get a hotel and go to prairie meadows. we got a room with the big ass jacuzzi tub in it with a king size bed. it was a nice ass room. we also went to that dinner at the truckers gas station, but wow have they remodeled it. it looks pretty sweet. i think its called Maxis or something like such. after dinner we went back to the hotel and got in the jacuzzi. it was so sexy-licous. :] i love making love in a hotel room. a nice hotel room that is. hah. after that, we went to prairie meadows. i was hot with the slot machines last night. i put 5 bucks in the first slot machine and it gave me 30bucks. i then put 5 in this other slot machine and it gave me 50bucks. the key is to only put in 5bucks. lol. this one guy won 1000 on my wheel of fortune game. boo. that was suppose to be me. i asked him how it felt and he smiled saying it felt like he was going to have a heart attack jokingly. as far as blackjack goes though, last night was a bummer. like everytime the dealer had 20 or blackjack. troy and i have this thing we say "WHAT ARE THE ODDS??!?!" lol...its pretty funny. i met this cool guy there...he and i would bounce off each other in conversation and shit talking to the dealer. i love it when i meet people that are easy to talk to because im so fucking socially dumb. haha or as i call it at work a "poor conversationalist." anyways...tonight i work...im so tired. i hope to take a nap, but at the moment. im considering dying my hair again...redoing the red. its just that i keep putting it off...eventually my hair will go orange from fading. lol. hey emi just got home. ha. ....random..i had a dream about beth last night. ha. i just told emi and she's like...doesn't sound good. lmao. whatever DUUUUDE. she just wants to see my ass in yoga pants. lol...she just admitted to it. im totally Lesbigay today. haha. anyways...ima hafta hurry this up cuz troy just finished cooking lunch for me. but yeah i work tonight. hopefully Luke will stop in:]. i enjoy his company.

oh btw...emi pierced her own hips. lol. it looks good though.

Carmella~

you're so precious to me. although you're not a human child, you're my child. I'm very glad that you love your pet stroller. even though people laugh at me or think i'm dumb, i had a gut feeling you'd love it, and that's all that really mattered to me...making you happy. as your mother it's my job to provide you a happy and healthy life. i know as a cat you very much have a desire to go out and i don't let you because of traffic, fleas, and fears of you getting lost. so here's to that...a solution. not only do you hop into your stroller really ready to go for a walk, but you sleep in it which makes it double as a bed for you... pink and perfectly raised off the ground. its all yours dear. a land of your own that no one else can take from you. most of all it's quality time we get to share. i can get out and exercise and you can get out a take a breath of fresh air. we're beautiful...you and i...i hope to make your life happy for years to come. <3
So today was just another day but I realized that I kinda want to start journaling again. i don't know if i'm going to be able to or have the energy to keep up on it, but I'm going to try. i was initially thinking each day, but now i'm thinking more like once a week is more realistic. tonight i kinda had an emotional breakdown about my eating issues and health which led me to feeling that maybe if i journaled my progress of not just that, but what's going on in my life, then maybe i'll be able to understand myself a little better. i was going to buy myself my own private journal, but i decided against it because i don't have the energy to go out and buy one tonight and i want to journal tonight. also, i decided that here would work since it is afterall a journal. it works for me because i don't have to write either, which is a plus because i'm a heavy writer which makes writing painful after so long...and i know i talk A LOT. in my defense on as to why i talk a lot is that i think a lot. :] ........my final deciding factor is that it gives any outside person a chance to give feedback and i offically assume beth doesn't get on here anymore and quite frankly if she does then she'll get know what i'm doing with my life. i guess i'm starting to finally not care anymore. her tactic worked i guess.

so for starters it'd be nice for me to update my whole life a little bit. i'm now living in Ames...no longer Des Moines. i don't know if i told you any of this, so bare with me...but i moved up here in August with Amber and Emi. We split a three bedroom- it kinda sucks though because Emi and I are exs. I chose this apartment complex, but I regret moving in with Emi being on terms that we were on and with the history we had. I now pay the consequences of my bad judgment...maybe one day i'll get a clue. but yeah. so I'm not enrolled in ISU, but that is what I have currently planned out for myself in the upcoming fall. I have a lot of mixed feelings on the subject though for a few reasons. but at the moment i'm still attending DMACC. this semester i'm taking online classes only because i failed last semester. last semester i was attending the boone and ames dmacc campus. this semester i'm feeling very lazy, but i have to complete it and with flying colors if i want to dream of staying in school. then i have to take a few credits in the summertime and then i can recieve my AA from dmacc. but like i said before i have mixed feelings...even if (which i plan or hope to) complete my AA on time.....about ISU in the fall. my main reason is because i'm feeling woren out. i've been attending school nonstop for two years now. not even taking summers off. i feel overwhelmed. and my degree that i'm aiming towards isn't even half over. i'm wanting to major in Interior Design, but ISU design programs are four year programs that are independent from gen. eds. so my AA is pretty much nontransferable. so in the end ima go to school for 6 years to obtain a 4 year degree. another thing is...i want to move. out of state while i can and am making money...which takes me to my next topics.

so i currently am a dancer. offically. like a bikini dancer. not a stripper though. i don't take my top or bottoms off...meaning i don't show anything. i still pole dance and deliver private dances, but it's a little different than what i was used to. its making me descent money. like so far this month i've made 1,700...and this month is only half over. i've been spending some of that money and i've been saving some of it. right now i have some money saved in hopes to go to California next month for spring break. i really want to go. i could use a vacation...an escape. it'd be nice. i've made a really good friend at my job. her name is Niki, but i call her Madison cause that's her stage name. she's 31 and blonde and bubbly. the typical woman i normally wouldn't befriend, but i'm glad i did this time because she's awesome. she's a mom, so she's got that motherly instict and appeal. also she's really there for me when i need her and want to talk. i've made quite a few friends from work, but more than anything its nice having amber. she's working there with me too. she goes by Tyler and i go by Riley. we're cute. believe me. not like hot cute...well at least not to me, but adorable cute. we learn new tricks together and are getting quite good at it i must say. :]

next is i'm still dating Troy. most the time we do good, but we hit our rough spots every now and then. we have things that can negatively target us. like i don't like that he smokes, so i want him to quit. he doesn't like dealing with Emi as my roommate cause she's a slob an yada yada yada...it's kinda a long speal that would take longer than i have right now. but most days we do well. we talk about marraige and kids. he always seems on board, but who knows the future...not i. either way i'd like kids someday, which ia recent change. i still don't know if i want to physically have them or not, but i want them.

okay last topic of the night for me. i have a serious eating issue. i need to work on it. completely fix it and overcome it. i've overcame a lot in my life...i don't understand why this is so hard for me. my issue is that i binge and starve myself. and when i eat, i eat the most bad for me food. i have like no self control to say no to certain foods. i'm trying to seek support on the subject, but along the process, i think i'm gunna journal my weight progress or something. so as of tonight, i weigh 136....and i hope to god in a few months i wont weigh more than this and read my weight now and be like...oh that was skinny...cause it's not. i gained ten pounds in three weeks by binging...it's gotta go. advice? i'll listen. anyways...im kinda tired so i'm heading to bed. plus i got work in ten hours. night.